Damn, England is foreclosing on us.
*looks at Canada*
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty,
Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you
may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and
you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Damn, England is foreclosing on us.
*looks at Canada*
Canada already beat us in one war, and didn't want us.
They chose to keep the frozen desolate tundra instead.
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">We actually just came to borrow a cup of sugar, then you guys freaked out, so we had to burn down the White House.Originally posted by That Chet Guy:
Canada already beat us in one war, and didn't want us.
They chose to keep the frozen desolate tundra instead.
Next time just give us the freakin' sugar.
Well I wouldn't have been born here had I known there was a lien on the country!
>Stands and applauds<
John Cleese should just have his name legally changed to "Super-Genius". [img]wink.gif[/img]
I like John Cleese
[img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Don't even look up here mister... As long as you don't like the Ewok song, you'll stay down there...Originally posted by Andyman:
*looks at Canada*
[img]tongue.gif[/img]
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Or gravy and cheese on chips, or bright red police uniforms, or sexual congress with moose...Originally posted by grail:
Don't even look up here mister... As long as you don't like the Ewok song...
[img]tongue.gif[/img]
<font color="#cd6600" size="1">[ November 01, 2005 08:58 AM: Message edited by: That Chet Guy ]</font>
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Or gravy and cheese on chips, or bright red police uniforms, or sexual congress with moose...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">The congress is only once every 2 years... so it's not as bad as it sounds...Originally posted by That Chet Guy:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">Originally posted by grail:
Don't even look up here mister... As long as you don't like the Ewok song, you'll stay down there...
[img]tongue.gif[/img]
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